Not Enough
by annem57
Summary: No. mother. I just realised that I can never be enough for her.
1. Chapter 1

**Not Enough**

No, Mother. I just realised that I can never be enough for her.

Don't own Castle, never will. Pity.

Martha Rodgers came downstairs to find her son placing his suitcase and laptop bag by the front door. He was dressed as sharply as ever, with not even a hair out of place. But his shoulders were slumped as if the weight of the world was on them.

"Richard? What's going on?" she questioned as she approached him. He turned towards her, and she swallowed a gasp at the blankness in his face. Her beloved son, who was always so animated and alive, looked bleak as he raised his eyes to his mother. His beautiful blue eyes, which were normally dancing with mischief, were grey and red-rimmed. "What on earth has happened? Is it Katherine?"

"Nothing has happened, mother," he choked out the words, "but, yes, it concerns Kate."

"Is she alright?"

"As far as I know, yes, she's fine." as he turned and went back into the study. Martha knew how sensitive Richard was, and was wondering how best to phrase her next question when he came out of the study carrying three file boxes.

"What's in there, Richard?"

He drew in a deep breath as he placed the boxes beside the door. Exhaling, he took an envelope and a far smaller box out of his pocket, and placed them on top of the file boxes. He drew in another deep breath, and answered her question. "It's all of Kate's things. I won't be needing to keep them here anymore."

"Have you broken up with her? Again?"

Martha's heart broke as she saw the tears start down his face. "No, mother. I just realised that I can never be enough for her."

"I beg your pardon, Richard. What exactly do you meant by that?" she asked as she took him by the hand and led him to the sofa, where she pushed softly on his shoulders to make him sit. Once he was settled, she put her left arm around him, gripped his right hand with her own, and quietly said, "Tell me what happened."

He used his left hand to wipe away the tears, exerting every bit of control to try to remain calm. He had never been so glad to have his mother around as he did right now. "After Meredith's visit in February, Kate started to withdraw from me. She did it slowly, but I noticed. I don't know what Meredith said, but it obviously bothered Kate."

Martha huffed a snort of derision. "That harpy could see that you were happy - both of you - so she poked her nose in." She felt her son nod once, so she asked, "Did you ask Kate?"

"Of course I did, mother. I asked if everything was okay, if I'd done something wrong, if I said something wrong. Every question got the same answer - 'it's okay, Castle, it's something I need to work out, no, I need to do this myself'. Then on Monday, I heard her talking to Lanie in the morgue." Rick wiped his eyes again, and took a deep breath before he went on with his story. "She said to Lanie, 'How can I trust him when it's obvious that I don't really know him at all?' I had to get away from the door before I made a noise, but to hear Kate say that, mother - it destroyed me!" He cried silently, and leant into his mother, trying to get some kind of physical comfort.

The two of them sat there, Richard weeping onto his mother's shoulder as he last did when she told him that he would be going to boarding school. Martha stroked her son's hair, knowing that it worked back then, so it couldn't hurt now.

"So, what's with the bags?" she asked.

Richard sat up, retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket, and cleaned himself up a little before responding. "On Monday, after I pulled myself together, I called Paula, and asked her to arrange a book tour ASAP. So, I'm leaving for Vancouver today, then going across Canada. Paula was trying to arrange signings and appearances in Europe as well." He took a breath, and the way it stuttered in and out was indicative of how crushed her son was. "I need you to do something for me, mother."

"Of course, Richard. Anything you want."

He pulled another envelope from his pocket. "This is my itinerary so far." he said as he handed it to her. "I've sent Alexis email with the same details. I'm not sure how long I'll be away, so if Beckett shows up, just give her the boxes."

"Including the ring box?"

He nodded, and the sheen of tears in his eyes grew again. "You know that I bought that ring for her before she was shot?" Martha shook her head, and hugged him gently, and motioned for him to continue. "I've been in love with her for years, mother. She was going to be my third time lucky, but all this time, she's had one foot out the door, just like she always has done. I need to put some space between her and I, and I can't do that if I stay here, being her partner. I can't keep pretending that she hasn't hurt me when every step away, every secret kept, is like a knife to my heart." He leant into his mother briefly, then shook his head and stood up. At his mother's questioning glance, he added, "I will never love anyone else like I do Kate Beckett...but I need to go back to my real job. No more following cops around," he said as he moved towards the door. "No more Nikki Heat after this next book is completed."

Martha stood then, and moved to stand with her boy. She kissed him on the cheek, and said, "Whatever you need, kiddo. You can count on me." as she kissed his other cheek.

Finally, she saw a very small smile, and saw that beautiful blue come back into his eyes. "I know, mother. Thank you," he said as he returned her kisses.

"When Katherine comes, do you want me to tell her where you are?"

He huffed out a funny sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "I doubt that she'll bother showing up, given that our relationship has always been about her, but you can do whatever you feel best about." He wiped his eyes again. Martha watched as as his emotions ran amok on his face, then he seemed to settle and calm. "Just tell Beckett that I love her, always." It was the first time that she had seen a genuine grin on his face since this encounter began, but it disappeared just as quickly. He checked his watch, and said, "The car will be downstairs now, so I need to get going." He walked to the front door and picked his bags up. Richard turned to his mother, and kissed her cheek again. "I love you, mother."

"Love you too, kiddo. Be safe!" she said as he walked out the door. She closed it behind him, and walked back to the sofa, where she fell heavily into its soft depths.

It was quite some time before Martha Rodgers was able to get on with her day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Not Enough Chapter 2**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Pity.**

**Reviews are like sunshine and water.**

As Richard Castle settled into the executive class window seat of the Air Canada A320, it gave him a chance to reflect on the last few hours. First, it was the trip from JFK to Toronto on a puddle-jumper, where he cleared Canadian customs. Then, in the airport in Toronto, Paula had cornered him with the first eight days schedule in Canada, starting that evening in Vancouver with cocktails and a reading from the latest Nikki Heat, as well as finding out that he'd be staying in the Fairmont Waterfront in one of the suites. He managed to stay tuned in to what Paula was saying, but he was glad to be on the flight to Vancouver, where he'd declined the offers of alcohol, accepted a light meal, and had put his headphones on and reclined his seat.

Thankfully, Paula did the same, but with alcohol. Her final remark to him, however, cut him to the quick.

"Really, Rick. Why did you ever think you had a chance with Beckett, anyway?"

That throwaway line from his agent caused him to start shaking, just a little. He asked a passing flight attendant for a blanket, and tried to relax.

Five hours later, he was getting into the limo service. Paula had airily waved goodbye as she got into a cab to get to the cocktail party venue, and reminded Rick of the place and time. Climbing into the car, he pulled his cell phone out and turned it on. He soon wished he hadn't.

He had seven missed calls, one each from Alexis, Ryan, and Esposito. Two were from Lanie Parish, and the other two were from Beckett. He sighed, but as he could still clearly remember how it felt when Kate ditched all of them for three months after her shooting, he knew he needed to make an effort to stay in touch. He called Ryan first.

"Ryan."

"Hey Kevin, it's Rick. Please don't say who it is." He heard Ryan move away from his desk, then a door close.

"Okay Castle, I'm in the break room. What's going on?"

Rick heard the undertone of 'and what have you done?', but he ignored the hurt and pressed on. "I'm staying in touch. I just can't be around Beckett right now."

Kevin Ryan was a really good detective, and he heard something in Rick Castle's voice that he hadn't heard before.

Fear.

"Okay, Castle, it's okay. Try to stay calm. Now, where are you?"

"Vancouver, on a book tour."

"What's going on with Beckett?" Oh, smooth move Kev, Ryan said to himself as he heard Castle suck in a noisy breath. Ryan was about to say something else when Castle answered him.

"I'm not who she wants or needs. I'm not enough for her. She's pushing me away, and I don't have the strength to fight for her right now." Rick sucked in another breath and went on. "I didn't want you to find out from someone else about what I'm doing, and I didn't want to leave you hanging for three months."

It all came out in a rush, and Ryan immediately got where Castle was coming from. Ryan remembered in detail how he felt when Beckett had cut all of them out of her life following the shooting, and he knew how it had hurt Castle that much more. Quickly, he replied, "It's fine, bro. Javi and I will keep her safe until you come back."

Rick paused to wipe his eyes, then he answered Ryan. "Thanks, Kevin. I've lost Kate - I didn't want to lose my brothers as well."

Kevin Ryan didn't quite know how to respond to Rick calling him brother, but he managed to pull himself together long enough to answer, "Anytime, bro. Anytime." He heard Castle huff in response, then nothing as Rick hung up. Ryan looked at the ceiling of the break room, and all he could think was that Beckett had better come to her senses before she lost the best thing in her life.

Rick then made a similar call to Javier Esposito, who reacted like Ryan had. Then he gathered his courage to call Lanie.

"Where the hell are you, writer boy?"

"Kate's not there, is she?"

"No, she's not, but you better start talking."

"I heard what she said to you on Monday, about how she couldn't trust me."

"I thought that might have been you outside the door. You should have stayed for the fireworks."

"What do you mean?"

"Simple. I told Kate that she should have asked you about what that trashy ex-wife of yours said to her."

"What did she say?"

"That she didn't know how to." At Rick's guffaw, Lanie went on. "I know, I know, but this is Kate Beckett that we're talking about, and she doesn't know how to do simple anymore. It's always gotta be complicated," Lanie finished with a flourish.

Rick would have laughed at Lanie, but it was all true, and it all hurt. So, he explained the same things to Lanie as he had to Ryan and Esposito, and she made him promise to call her back on Saturday night, when she would have Javier, Ryan, and Jenny come over so they could all talk with him.

It blew Rick away - that his friends from the 12th were willing to stick with him while he was away from them. He mumbled something at Lanie, who replied, "It's because you're a good man, Richard Castle, and you deserve better than she gives you." He was about to end the call when Lanie said, "Crap, Kate's at the door. Gotta go. Call me Saturday night." And on that note, Lanie ended the call.

He sighed again, and called Alexis.

**Author's note: Thank you so much for all of the kind reviews. I am not a 'Kate hater'. i try to write in character as much as possible, as well as try to add a bit of realism. In my opinion, the Castle-Beckett relationship was tilted in Kate's direction, and that I think has influenced how I write the relationship.**

**Having said that, the ship will dock at some stage in this epic of mine...have I scared you yet? Mwahaha.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Not Enough Chapter 3**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Pity. But my initials are AM...**

**Italics indicate flashbacks**

The apartment was quiet and dark when a scraping noise echoed through the stillness. The same thing happened again, then on the third try, the key went into the lock, the door swung open to admit a red-eyed Kate Beckett, who stumbled blindly to her sofa. Dropping onto its comfortable cushions, Kate stared into space and wondered, not for the first time, how the day had gone to hell almost from the start.

She had arrived at the precinct that Friday morning, feeling as though something was off in her life. Kate had called Castle four times on Thursday, only to get his voicemail. She thought through the messages she'd left, and couldn't help but feel a bit teenager-ish.

'_Hey Castle, I missed you this morning. Call me.'_

'_Hey Castle, we've had a body drop by the boathouse in Central Park. See you there?'_

'_Hey Castle, the guys look like they miss you. Meet us at Remys for dinner?'_

'_Castle. Are you there?'_

The five text messages had been similar in tone, and by mid-afternoon, she had wondered what was going on with her boyfriend. She had seen Ryan and Espo take private phone calls Thursday evening, and wondered why they looked at her a bit differently when they returned to their desks. Hell, even Gates had looked at her thoughtfully. So, Beckett decided to go and visit Lanie - anything for a friendly face.

Kate shuddered as she recalled the conversation with her best female friend.

"_Something's going on, Lanie, and I don't know what it is. Espo and Ryan keep giving me weird looks." She threw her hands in the air and added, "Even Gates is looking at me funny." She turned to look at Lanie, and said, "Yeah, that's the look I've been getting!"_

_Lanie Parish immediately schooled her features into something that resembled a friendly face before she answered. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean. What look?"_

_Kate shook her head and replied, "The look like I've broken their new toy, or kicked their puppy or something." She looked down at the tiled floor, then back up at Lanie. "What is it, Lanie? What's going on?"_

_The medical examiner crossed her arms, then realised that was probably a bit closed off, so she uncrossed her arms, leant back against her desk, and put her hands on the desk top to support herself. Then, very gently, the words that Lanie was looking for came. "How long has it been since you saw Castle?"_

"_I was there Saturday night, so it would have been Sunday morning. Why?"_

"_Why haven't you been spending time with him?"_

"_I told you why on Monday. How can I trust him when I don't know him?"_

"_How can you say that you don't know him, Kate?" Lanie had to take a breath to calm herself. She had heard the devastation in Richard Castle's voice when he had called her the previous evening, and she had to tread a little carefully. She knew that Kate Beckett would run like a rabbit, but Lanie knew that Kate needed to be made aware of how badly she had behaved. "He has been by your side for nearly five years. He has been in love with you for most of that time. You've been a couple for the best part of a year! And now, just because that shrew of an EX-WIFE tries to upset your apple cart with some tag line, you let her?" Lanie had started pacing during her brief speech, and had to keep pacing and breathing deeply so she didn't build up a real head of steam. She finally stopped pacing, and turned back to look at Kate._

_Kate had dropped down into a chair, and had gone completely white. Lanie trotted to her side, and said softly, "Here, Kate, put your head down between your knees. Slows breaths, honey." as she talked her friend down from an impending panic attack. Lanie muttered nonsense words as she rubbed Kate's back. Finally, the detective looked up into Lanie's eyes._

"_I've messed up, haven't I?"_

_Lanie shook her head at the little-girl voice coming out of Kate's mouth. "Yeah, baby, you have." She kept rubbing Kate's back, as her breathing slowly returned to normal. Kate turned to face Lanie, her eyes glistening with the sheen of tears._

"_I should have asked Rick about what Meredith said weeks ago, shouldn't I?"_

_The ME guffawed loudly and responded, "Hell, yes. Why you even gave that witch's comment the time of day, I will never understand." Kate shook her head, but then stopped completely as Lanie zeroed in for a final comment. "But what I do understand is this: Richard Castle is the best thing that has ever happened to you, Kate. You need to let yourself deserve him, and the sooner you can do that, the better."_

_Kate levered herself out of the chair, and nodded at her friend. "I just hope I haven't pushed him away too hard this time," she said sadly. Then, with a hardening of commitment, she added, "I can fix this." She turned to leave the morgue, still talking to herself, still telling herself, 'You can do this, Kate. You CAN do this.'_

_She didn't, however, see Lanie Parish sitting back down at her desk, shaking her head. "Maybe you've pushed him away once too often, girl. I hope for both your sakes that you haven't."_

Kate came back to herself, and shook her head. 'How could I have been so stupid that I couldn't see Meredith for who she really is - a conniving, manipulative fool?' She slumped back into the sofa cushions as she remembered how things had gone later in the day.

_Kate approached the large front door of the Castle loft, and knocked three times. She didn't feel as though she had the right to use her key and let herself in. WHile she was waiting for Rick to come to the door, she smacked herself in the head, and wondered why she had never given him a key to her apartment. 'How stupid am I?' she groused to herself. She heard the door unlatching, and she made herself smile as the door opened._

_Martha stood there, her face falling from its usual benign grin to a blank look. "Detective Beckett. How can I help you?" Martha said formally._

_Kate cringed, and thought, 'I did this.' "Hello, Martha. Is Rick home?"_

"_No, he isn't."_

'_Crap, major damage control to do here.' Keeping a small smile on her face, Kate asked, "Is it alright if I come in?"_

_Kate could just see the battle going on in Martha's mind as the older woman so obviously weighed up whether or not to let her in. Then, Martha's innate courtesy won out, and she gestured for Kate to enter._

_The first thing that Kate noticed was the stack of boxes by the front door. "Is Alexis moving some more things into her dorm, Martha?"_

"_Actually, no. Richard packed those two days ago. They're yours - the things you've left here over the last ten months or so."_

_Kate felt physically weak when she heard that, and as she started to totter, Martha looked past her indignation at the woman who'd hurt her precious boy, and saw the broken teenager at the base of Beckett. Taking hold of her arm, Martha led her to the leather sofa, and pushed her down into it. She watched Katherine Beckett slowly come unglued, so acting like a mother, Martha took Kate's hand, and put an arm around her shoulders, much as she'd done for Richard two days earlier. She heard Kate start to mumble under her breath, and paid closer attention to what she was hearing._

"_I'm so sorry, Rick, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I did this to you. I pushed you away." Martha heard Kate repeat the same phrases over again through the younger woman's sobs. The only thing that Martha could do was maintain a physical presence for Kate, to somehow ground her through the process. Then Martha heard another comment come through clearly._

"_You must hate me, Martha."_

"_Don't be silly, Katherine - I could never hate you."_

"_After how I've treated your son? How can you even stand to be near me, much less comfort me?"_

_This was a well-hidden aspect of Kate Beckett, and one that Martha had not yet seen. She put a hand on Kate's shoulder, and turned the younger woman so that she was facing Martha. "Now, you listen to me, Katherine Beckett. I don't hate you - I could never hate you. You've helped all of us. You've helped Richard become a better man. I just don't understand why you said you couldn't trust him."_

_Kate gasped, then asked, "You know about that?"_

"_Yes, dear. He'd gone to the morgue with tea and coffee for you and that nice Doctor Parish, when he heard you say you couldn't trust him. What possessed you to say that, Katherine?"_

_Kate chuffed out a brief laugh through her tears. "Interesting way of putting it, Martha. It was something that Meredith said."_

_Martha could not believe it. "That harpy has been divorced from Richard for sixteen years! And she is still causing trouble for him!" Martha had to take a calming breath before she could continue. "What exactly did Meredith say that has wormed its way into your head, Kate?"_

_Kate nodded, grateful that Martha had finally called her 'Kate' rather than 'Katherine', and answered, "After I asked why they divorced, she said that Rick knew everything about her but she knew nothing about him. It bothered me, and I should have asked Rick about it, but..."_

"_Yes, you should have," came the grim rejoinder. "The reason that Richard knew all about her is because once you get past the vapid, money-grubbing exterior, all that you see the vapid, money-grubbing interior." Martha took another calming breath, and added, "And you can't forget Meredith's infidelity."_

"_She cheated on him?"_

"_Why, of course. In fact, the infidelity started not long after they were married, but Richard wanted to be a father, and to do what was best for the child, so he turned a blind eye. At least, he did until Alexis told him and I about mommy's play dates with all the men, and Richard caught her in their bed with one of her casting agents. He told her to leave, and got rid of the bed as well. He changed all of the locks so that she couldn't get back in." Martha paused in her recollection, then it became apparent that the older woman had something important occur to her. "I'll bet that's why she came back!" she exclaimed, slapping her hand on her leg._

"_What, Martha?" Kate asked._

"_Well, Richard always said that when Alexis started college, the alimony would stop. That harpy is after a payday, and chose you as her patsy!"_

_Kate was more disgusted with herself than ever. Finding out that Meredith had taken her for the proverbial ride was bad enough, but to find out that her preconceived ideas about her partner's playboy ways were also wrong was galling. She had to remedy this situation before it spiralled even further out of control. She wiped her eyes, and was looking around her when she felt a warm hand take hers again. Kate lifted her head, and looked into Martha's blue eyes._

"_Let me ask you some questions, Kate." The detective gave a quick nod of assent, and Martha continued. "Do you love my son?"_

_A shy smile spread its way across Kate's face, and she answered positively. "Yes, Martha, I do love your son."_

"_Are you in love with him?"_

_Another shy smile, and the response was as Martha expected. "More and more each day."_

"_What are you willing to do to get Richard back?" _

_Without any hesitation, the answer came back. "Whatever I have to." Kate bowed her head briefly, then gazed squarely at Martha. "This is on me, not Rick, so it has to be me that makes the effort."_

_Martha gave a single nod. "Richard left you a letter...and a gift." She stood, and walked to the stack of boxes where she retrieved the envelope and small box. She approached Kate, and held them out to her. "I don't know what's in the letter, but I do know what's in the box. He bought it for you before you were shot."_

_Kate trembled, but took the items. She decided to read the letter later, in private, but she chose to open the box in front of Martha. They both deserved to know what it contained. She took a breath, then popped the box open. _

_Nestled securely in blue velvet was a white gold engagement ring. It had channel-set diamonds, which she could see wouldn't catch on anything. There were also two matching wedding bands that had been inscribed with the word, 'Always'. Their word, and she had allowed her own insecurities and a money-grubbing schemer to push her commitment to Rick out of her conscious thoughts._

"_It's beautiful, isn't it?"_

"_He's had these for nearly two years?" Kate asked._

"_That's what he told me two days ago, and I see no reason to doubt my son," Martha paused, and added, "Like you have."_

_Kate had the grace to look ashamed. "I deserved that."_

"_Katherine (back to formality, Kate thought), I love you like my own daughter, but if you are not willing to make this right, and really commit to Richard the same way that he's committed himself to you, then you need to leave him be. What's your choice going to be, kiddo?"_

_Kate looked at Martha, then at the rings, then back at Martha. "I plan on finding your son, apologising profusely, and hopefully getting started on our life together." She looked at the floor, then up again. "If that's alright with you?" she asked with hope in her eyes for the first time that day._

_Martha smiled broadly, also for the first time that day. "Of course it's alright with me. You should probably be worried about Alexis, though. She was not happy when she found out what had happened!"_

"_Don't worry, Martha. I'll make this right with Alexis as soon as I can."_

_The two women embraced, and Kate picked her things up off the floor, and headed out the front door._

_However, the confrontation with Alexis that Kate had hope to avoid was just about to exit the elevator._

"_Detective Beckett. I didn't think I'd be seeing you ever again."_

_Kate cringed under the weight of Alexis Castle's righteous fury. "I know, Alexis, and I'm"_

"_Don't you dare say you're sorry! I heard from Doctor Parish that you let my bloodsucking mother get into your head! Even I could have answered any questions about her that you had!" Alexis retorted, and Kate started to step back in the face of such white-hot anger._

"_Please, Alexis," she said, holding her hands up in a gesture of submission, "Please listen for just a minute."_

_The redhead was quivering with ire, and white with rage. Her blue eyes looked twice their normal size, and the girl looked Kate up and down, before giving her a curt nod._

_Kate let out the breath that she didn't realise she was holding. "Thank you." She paused for a couple of seconds to gather her thoughts, and prayed for inspiration to explain. Then, it struck her what to say. "You're absolutely right about me, Alexis. I listened to the wrong person, and didn't ask the right person for the truth. I allowed my own insecurities to hurt your father, and I will regret that for a long, long time. But I'm going to find your father, and if it takes the rest of my life to make this up to him, then that's what I'll do. I just told your grandmother that I would do whatever it takes to show your father how much I love him. That I'm ready to commit to him for always." Kate took a breath, and looked down at the floor. When she looked up at Alexis again, Kate's expression clearly said, 'That's all I've got', and Kate hoped it would be enough to turn that barely-contained rage in Alexis down just a little._

_Alexis stood there, looking the detective up and down. Kate felt the anger level drop fractionally, then Alexis said, "Alright. But, you better make it right with dad. He's loved you forever, so don't hurt him anymore." The girl blinked, and added, "Because if you do hurt him again, I'll shoot you where you stand."_

_Kate swallowed, and answered, "Understood."_

_Alexis moved over to the front door, while Kate fled into the elevator. "Just don't hurt him anymore," she heard one last time as the elevator doors shut._

The weight of the days' events came crushing back down on Kate Beckett as she sat on her sofa in the dark. The sobs she had managed to keep at bay while she worked through the nightmare of the day came out in a rush, and she was glad that she had been able to get an appointment with Doctor Burke the next morning. After that appointment, she was going to track down her partner, and hope that he would at least listen to her.

Kate lay there in the dark, and cried herself to sleep.

**Author's Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews. All I can say is that I believe in personal responsibility! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Not Enough Chapter 4.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine.**

**I have done a bit of editing, and changed it a little. Try not to flame me too much, and remember that I try to stay in character, but that reality also should be respected.**

Saturday seemed to explode into existence as Kate Beckett opened her gummed-up eyes, and the memories of how appalling Friday had been came roaring back into the forefront of her conscious mind. She levered herself up into a sitting position, and was grateful that her sofa was not too bad a place to sleep. As she stood up, she heard the unmistakeable sound of crinkling paper. 'Rick's letter,' she thought, 'I didn't read it when I got home.' So, Kate sat again, opened the envelope, and began to read. She soon wished that she hadn't.

The letter was short, and very to the point. She read it, then through the tears, she read it again.

"_Kate,_

_I don't know what I've done to have you believe that you don't know me, or can't trust me. So, I'm going to let you figure it out without me being around to pressure you. Paula has arranged a book tour for me, and I don't know when I'll be back._

_Please take care of yourself._

_I'm just sorry that I'm not enough for you._

_Rick"_

Kate sat for some time, reading and re-reading the last ten words of Rick's letter, and the bitterness of what Rick obviously felt he had lost started to creep into her mind. 'I did this,' she thought, 'I hurt this wonderful man by being a coward.' She shook herself, stood up, and went into the bathroom.

Turning on the light and flipping the shower on to as hot as it would go, she started to strip off her clothes. As she turned to enter the shower cubicle, she got a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

It was a frightening experience for the hard-as-nails detective.

Stringy hair gave way to a pale face and a downturned mouth. The scars on her chest seemed to leap out at her. The too-thin limbs showed a lack of self-care.

But it was the eyes in the mirror that truly showed how far she'd fallen.

Normally a bright, dancing hazel with pure green tinges, all that showed was a dull, dirty pale brown. Red-rimmed and puffy, gummy with the remnants of too many tears, her eyes truly were the windows of her fallen soul. Kate could not drum up even the smallest amount of sympathy for the woman in the mirror. She dropped her eyes from the reflection taunting her, then, taking a deep breath, she looked directly at her image and said out loud, "I will make this right. You need Richard Castle like you need air." With a slightly-heightened sense of optimism, Kate got into the shower to try to get ready for whatever the day would bring.

Ninety minutes later, Kate was sitting in Carter Burke's reception area, feeling somewhat nauseous from the slice of toast and cup of coffee that she had managed to choke down before leaving her apartment. She was truly grateful that Burke had consented to see her at such short notice, and on a weekend, too. Now, if only the therapist could help her sort through her thoughts and feelings.

Doctor Burke welcomed Kate into his office, sat in his customary chair, and waited for Kate to start talking. He had learned from sad experience that this detective could not be pushed. He didn't have to wait very long at all.

Kate prowled around on 'her' side of the office before dropping into the second chair. "I pushed Castle away, and he left me."

"What was the situation, Kate?"

"His ex-wife said some things that bothered me, but instead of talking with Castle about it, I let it stew. I left his home on Sunday morning, and didn't even try to contact him. On Monday, I was talking with Lanie about it, and he overheard something I said." The doctor had to listen carefully, as it all came out in a rush, and was almost whispered.

"What did he hear you say?"

"I said, 'How can I trust him when it's obvious that I don't really know him at all?' to Lanie. What I didn't know was he was just outside the doors to the morgue, and heard that."

"Why had he come to the morgue?"

"I don't know, but it was probably to find me."

Burke leant back a little. It was apparent to him that Kate was taking the separation from Richard Castle hard, and Burke was about to make it harder. In his gentle baritone, he said, "Tell me what you know about Richard Castle."

"What about him?" Kate questioned in return, not at all sure where this was going.

"I want you to tell me about Richard Castle."

Yep, she had heard her doctor correctly. "Well, he's a multi-millionaire mystery writer who's had twenty-six best-sellers, he lives in,"

"No, Kate," Burke interrupted, "tell me what _you_ know about Richard Castle."

She sat back in her chair and thought about the question briefly. "Well, he's like a nine-year-old on a sugar rush when he gets excited about something. He's a wonderful father to Alexis - in fact, he raised her himself, and she's a beautiful, well-adjusted nineteen-year-old.." Kate trailed off for a few seconds as she recalled Alexis' comments to her the day before. She took a breath and continued. "He's a great partner to have, even though he's not a cop, and the guys on our team get along with him really well. He loves his mother deeply, even though they tease each other all the time. He's loyal and kind and generous," and here Kate's eyes misted over as she finished with, "and he loves me, so much," she finished softly.

Doctor Burke contemplated Kate for about thirty seconds, and wondered if she knew how her face had softened as she talked about Rick. "So, do you still think that you don't know Richard?"

Kate had the grace to look ashamed as she answered the question. "I guess that I know more than I was willing to accept."

Burke nodded. "Now, Kate, I want to do an exercise with you." She inclined her head, and he started. "I want you to pretend that you're looking at the world through Richard's eyes."

"That wasn't the kind of exercise I thought you meant," Kate retorted, a little anger starting to bleed through.

"Humour me, please. I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think it could be helpful."

Kate crossed her arms and glared at her therapist. Shaking her head, she said, "I don't see how this is going to help."

"Just try it and see," came the calm rejoinder.

She huffed, but remembered that she had promised Martha and Alexis, as well as herself earlier that day, that she would do whatever it took to be with Rick again. So, she thought for a while, then she began.

"Well, the first thing that comes to mind is that you would remind him of a character from 'Star Trek'," she grinned. At Burke's answering smile, she started to warm to the task, and she got right into the kid-in-a-candy-store persona that Rick was most of the time. She talked about playing at being a cop, the laser tag battles with Alexis, the books. She was getting into it when Burke interrupted her.

"Now, I want you to see the last week from his perspective."

Almost immediately, the smile faded from Kate's face as the real point of the exercise came home to her. How would she feel if Rick had listened to one of her ex-boyfriends about why they'd broken up? What would it do to her if Rick had given her the same answers that she'd given him? What would have gone through her mind if she'd overheard part of a conversation between Rick and Ryan or Espo where he'd said that he didn't think he could trust her? How would she have felt if he had been the one to pull away and not contact her for three months? Would she have been as forgiving as Rick had been?

Doctor Burke simply sat and watched the parade of emotions flow across Kate's face. When he thought she'd had enough, he gently interrupted her introspection. "Kate."

She looked across the room at him with tears in her eyes. "I've really hurt him, haven't I?"

The time for sugar-coating anything was long gone as Burke answered her. "Yes, you have. And not for the first time, either. You know Richard better than anyone outside of his mother and daughter - your reactions prove that. You know that he loves deeply, but instead of accepting it as a gift from him, you turned it into a weapon against him. You even kept from him for almost a year that you heard him say the words, and then got angry with him for keeping one secret when you'd kept many."

Kate sat in her chair, unable to move, unable to stop the tears, unable to not hear her mother's voice telling her that the living are more important than the dead, unable to feel _anything _other than how deeply and how often she'd hurt Rick. She now had a very clear comprehension of how Martha and Alexis felt about her actions towards Rick, and was amazed at how gentle Martha had been with her. She took a tissue from the box that Dr Burke proffered, and after she'd calmed a little, asked, "So, what can I do?"

Ever the therapist, Burke reflected her comment back to her. "What do you want to do?"

'Damn shrinks are all the same,' Kate thought before replying, "I want to find Rick, and give him the mother of all apologies, and ask if he'll take me back."

"What if he doesn't want to do that?"

That question hit Kate hard. In her arrogance, she had not once considered what she would do if Rick didn't want her back, and for the first time, she felt sheer physical pain in her chest as she seriously pondered how deeply affected she would be if breaking up permanently with Rick was to happen. She clutched at her chest, and began hyperventilating as a panic attack crept up on her. It was only when Burke called her name that she was able to return to a modicum of control.

"I take it that you'd never considered that as a possible outcome."

Kate shook her head. "No, I can safely say that I'd never thought of that. All the scenarios I'd gone through ended up with us having our happily-ever-after, after I'd made him wait..." and her voice trailed away into nothing. The tears , unbidden, began again as Kate saw with absolute clarity how selfish she had been, and what her selfishness had done to the man that she claimed to love. Now she could see that for the last four years, she had been treating Rick, a living, breathing, _good _man, like he was her possession, to be taken out and played with when it suited her, or to be ignored when it wasn't suitable. "Wow," she breathed. "Have I really been that self-absorbed?"

Burke looked at her contemplatively before answering. "You were recovering from more than just a shooting, Kate. You were trying to come to terms with your mother's killer not being held accountable. But," he said, holding up his hand to forestall her next comment, "You've held on to that when you didn't actually need to - those events ceased to be reasons and became excuses to keep Richard on a leash. Our pasts shape us, Kate. But we don't need to live in the past for the rest of our lives. Are you truly willing to step out of your past in order to embrace your future?"

"Wow, that's a loaded question if ever there was one," Kate replied. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself, then, looking directly into her therapist's eyes, said, "I will do whatever it takes to be at Rick's side. To have a healthy, equal relationship with him." She nodded at Burke, then continued. "And that starts now. I'm going to find Rick, and do whatever I need to..." she trailed off again. Then, a full, genuine smile spread across her face, and she looked like she was glowing from the inside. "I'll show him how much I love him. Not only that, I'll tell him how much I love him."

"It may not be that simple, Kate," Dr Burke cautioned as his patient stood.

"I know it won't be simple. But I know something that will be a good starting point. In fact," and she smiled again, "it's the best beginning we can have. I will be completely honest with him, and it will save us both." The smile dropped from her face. "It has to." She stood and shook hands with Dr Burke. He wished her good luck, and she left his office feeling more hopeful.

The feeling of hope lasted only until she reached her apartment.

Waiting by her front door was Alexis.

When she saw Kate, she stood and waited for her to come to her door. Kate didn't know what Alexis wanted, so she greeted her. 'Hey, Alexis."

Alexis just looked at Kate, then thrust a sheaf of papers at her. As Kate took them, Alexis said, "You need to read this. It's Nikki Heat's death."

Kate was shocked. "Wait..what do you mean?"

"Dad's written the chapter that has Nikki dying. She goes into the Hudson in her car, and can't escape. She chases someone without Rook, and that's what happens." She carefully observed Kate to see how she reacted. When she was satisfied that Kate truly the magnitude of what she'd done, she continued, "This is dad's way of trying to cope with loss - the loss of you."

All Kate could do was read Rick's written words and all she could say as she read was, "No, no, it's not supposed to happen this way." She turned to Alexis with tears in her eyes, and said, "Please. Alexis, tell me where he is."

The younger woman narrowed her eyes as she considered how Kate was crumbling in front of her. "Why should I? You'll just get him back, and then run away and hurt him again."

"On my mother's grave, I will do all I can to not hurt him again," Kate swore.

Alexis shook her head. "Look it up on the website. I'm not going to help you hurt him."

"Please, Alexis. I'm begging you for your help."

Once again, Alexis simply shook her head. "I will not let you hurt my father any more." She turned around, and didn't see Kate slumping to the floor.

After a few minutes had passed, Kate slowly stood up, and somehow managed to find the lock through her tears. She shouldered her front door open, entered her apartment, and her mind jumped ahead to everything that she needed to do to start fixing this mess of her own making.

**Author's notes: for the uninitiated, Michael Dorn (Carter Burke) was in Star Trek, both Next Gen and DS9.**

**Thank you all for your reviews, and I hope you like this.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Not Enough Chapter 5.**

**Disclaimer: Mine? As if!**

_Nikki Heat had been able to get her seatbelt unfastened, but the the impact of the black SUV must have warped her unit's frame, as no matter what door she tried, none would open. The cold, dirty water of the Hudson River was leaking in, and what was left of her air was leaking out. Her weapon, which had been sitting on the centre console along with her flashlight, had been dislodged in the crash, then had disappeared when Nikki's car had gone over the edge of the dock and had landed hard on the surface of the river._

_She continued to feel her way through the dark interior of her vehicle, trying to find something to break a window with, but she couldn't find anything. She tried using the seatbelt buckle, but she couldn't get enough momentum between the inertia reel of the belt clamping shut and the steadily rising water. The car finally bottomed out, and Nikki tried to calm herself. She knew that she was running out of air, and the litany of regrets ran through her mind._

_Still feeling for something, anything, that she could use to smash a window, she realised that time was no longer on her side. The water crept ever higher, and she knew that her life was going to end, not with a bang, but with a whimper._

_The last words that Nikki Heat ever said? "Forgive me, Jameson. I love you."_

_An hour later, the police divers surfaced, and put their thumbs up. The crane operator put pressure on his controls, and the waterlogged car gradually emerged from its' watery tomb. Jameson Rook stood at the edge of the dock, tears running down his cheeks, cursing himself for getting there too late to do anything useful. Raley and Ochoa stood on either side of him, giving him manly comfort. Finally, the car was swung onto the dock, and the jaws of life were used to open the car up._

_As the water came flooding out, Rook darted forward and caught Nikki's body, and lowered her gently onto the asphalt. Her eyes were closed, and she appeared to be asleep. Raley put his hand on Rook's shoulder, to give him whatever comfort he could. Rook stared at Nikki. "She looks so peaceful, doesn't she?"_

_Ochoa answered, "Yeah, bro, she does. You need to let her go, okay?"_

_Rook nodded, and the ME's team lifted Nikki gently onto a gurney. He fiddled with something in his pocket, and pulled out a ring. He placed it on her hand, kissed her for the last time, and said, "Goodbye, Nikki. I'll always love you."_

Kate wiped her eyes again, and looked at her watch. She had a lot to do, and not much time to do it in.

It was approaching 5pm, and Alexis and Martha were bickering gently with one another about what to do for dinner. Rick had called earlier, and through some careful questioning, Alexis had determined that yes, her dad was most definitely still in love with Kate Beckett, but that all the heavy lifting that needed to be done to repair the relationship had to come from Kate - Rick was exhausted and unable to do anything about it. Then, there was a gentle knock on the door, and Alexis answered it.

"Detective Beckett? What are you doing here?"

Kate cringed when Alexis had used her title, and said, "It's Kate, Alexis. Can I please come in?"

Alexis turned to her grandmother, who nodded once. So, Alexis simply said, "Come in," and Kate walked into the middle of the room. Rick's mother and daughter looked at Kate very hard, and they noticed a number of things.

First, Kate had obviously been crying, and was not really steady on her feet.

Second, she was carrying a sheaf of papers and a small shopping bag.

Third, Kate had a look of determination on her face that the other women knew as her 'You're not gonna get away with this' look.

Martha spoke up. "So, Katherine. What brings you by?"

Kate looked at Martha first, then at Alexis, before answering. "I've come to the inescapable conclusion that I am very much in love with your son and father, and I have some questions, if that's alright with you?"

Martha and Alexis exchanged a look, and both nodded. Kate breathed an obvious sigh of relief, and asked, "Is it okay if I sit down? And is it possible for me to get a glass of water, please?"

Martha was far too polite to not be a gracious hostess, and Alexis wanted to see what Kate wanted. So, Martha ushered Kate to the sofa while Alexis got the water. After downing half the glass in one gulp, Kate seemed a little steadier. She thanked both women gravely, then turned to Alexis. "Thank you for showing me what your dad wrote. I know writing's how he processes things, so thank you." Alexis simply nodded once, so Kate continued. "I thought that the chapter needed a slightly different ending, and I'd like you to look at it. If you feel that you can, maybe you can send it to your dad," she finished as she handed over the papers.

Alexis thought for a bit, then shrugged. Once again, Kate cringed again, but took a deep breath and managed to relax just a little, and felt a little lighter. Martha gazed at Kate shrewdly, and was about to open her mouth when Kate beat her to the punch.

"Martha, Alexis. Given how I feel about Rick, I have something very important to ask you."

The two redheads looked at each other, awareness dawning on both their faces. They both looked back at Kate, who had the goofiest grin they'd ever seen on her. Kate took a deep breath, and said, "I would like your permission to ask Rick for his hand in marriage."

"Katherine, dear. Are you absolutely certain of this?"

"You're not just jerking us and dad around, are you?"

Kate smiled, and it transformed her face completely. Gone was the lingering sadness, the pervasive aura of defeat. "Yes, Martha, I am more sure of this than I've ever been of anything," she said as she looked Martha directly in the eyes. "And, no, Alexis, I'm not jerking anyone around, not the two of you, and especially nor your dad." Kate opened the bag and carefully pulled out a small velvet box. Handing it to Alexis, she asked shyly, "Do you think that he'll like it?"

Alexis took the jewelry box from Kate, and slowly opened it. Nestled in the cream-coloured satin was a man's wedding band. There was no way, however, that this ring would ever be considered as ordinary. Instead of the usual yellow or white gold, Kate had chosen tungsten, a metal known for its durability - the 'forever' ring. Kate had also had the jeweler channel-set three tiny perfect diamonds, interspersed with three blue topaz of the same tiny dimensions. Alexis was stunned. "How did you manage to do all of this today?" she sputtered.

Kate moved a little closer to Alexis. "Never underestimate the determination of a woman who has nothing to lose, and absolutely everything to gain, Alexis." She pointed to the gemstones sparkling in their setting. "I know that your dad's birthstone is diamonds, with his birthday being April 1. My birthstone is topaz, and I knew that you could get them in blue, and these ones match your dad's eyes. So, the gemstones show both of us together, and the tungsten signifies for always." Kate smiled softly, and finished off with, "And I had them engrave our word on the inside of the ring."

Alexis looked at her quizzically, before responding, "Always, right?" Martha leant across to her granddaughter, and lifted the ring from its satin bed. She inspected it carefully, being the connoisseur of all things precious that she was, before handing it back to Alexis with a sigh. Alexis conducted her own inspection before replacing the ring securely in its box. She handed the box back to Kate, and leant back on the sofa. She studied the detective closely, then looked at her grandmother. Finding what she needed in Martha's eyes, she turned back to Kate. Alexis asked, "So, Kate. What was your question?"

Kate looked first at Alexis, then at Martha. She got up from the sofa, and moved to stand directly in front of them. Dropping to her knees, she said, "I would like your permission to marry Richard. Do I have your consent?" The air around the three women seemed to take on a life of its own, the tension in the room making it roil. "Please?" she added, a note of fear creeping in to her voice.

Once again, the redheads glanced at each other. They came to a decision, and both turned to look directly at the detective kneeling before them.

"No," Martha and Alexis answered at the same time. Kate let out the breath that she was holding in a rush, and fell back from her knees to be sitting on the floor. It felt like the room was closing in on her, and she was finding it hard to breathe. Alexis stood and took two steps to stand in front of Kate. She extended her hand to Kate, and helped her stand. Alexis then dropped Kate's hands, and moved back to stand next to her grandmother.

Kate raised her hand to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Why do you hate me so much?" she whispered.

Alexis would have answered, had Martha not touched her granddaughter's arm. "Katherine. We don't hate you, but you have broken Richard's heart too many times. We cannot, in good conscience, agree to this at this time. If you want to find Richard and mend this situation, then by all means do so. But, you will not have any help from us. If he chooses to accept your proposal, then we will adjust our perspective. But, he will have to tell us himself that he accepts you as you are."

Kate looked slowly from Martha to Alexis, and back again. Martha's eyes were full of pity, tempered with compassion, where Alexis' were fizzing with anger and hurt. The detective looked at the floor of the loft, then back at their faces. SHe nodded gravely, and walked to the door, her head bowed. She felt like she had aged thirty years in the last five minutes. When she reached the door, she took one last, longing, look at Martha and Alexis. There was no change in their expression, so Kate opened the door, and left the loft.

When the door closed, the redheads let out a huge breath. "Did we do the right thing, grams?" Alexis queried.

"Only time will tell, kiddo. Only time will tell."

Half an hour later, Kate struggled through her front door. It was almost as if Dr Burke had seen into the future, with the reaction she had f=received from Alexis and Martha. So, Kate allowed herself the indulgence of five minutes' weeping. Then, she straightened her spine, and started putting Plan B into action. Firing up her laptop, she went straight to the Richard Castle website so she could locate Rick's whereabouts. The next few hours were a blur as Kate started to do what she needed to find her perfect complement.

**AN: Yep, flame away. Actions have consequences, and in real life, how much would Castle or Beckett have taken in comparison to what was done on the show? And I am NOT a Kate hater. Stick with me on this. Please.**


End file.
